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erinlefey
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I feel I must set the scene for some of our younger readers. Paul Lynde was an actor in the 60's and 70's. You'd know his voice from the rat Templeton in "Charlotte's Web", and his face as Uncle Arthur on Bewitched. He was queer as a three-dollar bill, but it wasn't publicly acknowledged in that era. Everyone knew, and it was hinted at openly by Lynde, but never quite stated.
He was frequently on "The Hollywood Squares". The format of this show was that there was a tic-tac-toe board with a celebrity in each one. The host would ask a question of the celebrities in each square. They would answer the question, and could make up a false answer. The contestants had to decide if the answer was correct or not. If the contestant was correct, they could put their X or O in that square.
Paul Lynde had a twisted sense of humor. His initial snap answer to any question...well, priceless. Here's some of them.
Q: You're the world's most popular fruit. What are you?
Lynde: Humble.
Q: True or false, there is such a thing as a female rooster.
Lynde: Yes, they're the ones who go a doodle-doo.
Q: What is said to be wasted on the young?
Lynde: A whipping.
Q: What is the most abused and neglected part of the body?
Lynde: Well, mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: True or false. At a recent hearing, opponents of fluorinated water argued that too much fluorine in a person's system can cause an uncontrollable desire for sex.
Lynde: (shouting) HEY CULLIGAN MAN!
Q: As any good boat enthusiast knows, that when a man falls out of a boat, you yell "man overboard." Now, what should you yell if a woman falls out of a boat?
Lynde: Full speed ahead.
Q: True or false? Your teeth are about the same size and shape as a pig's.
Lynde: Look who's talking, Beaverface.
Q: True or false? Most airports now make you go through an internal frisking before getting on the plane?
Lynde: Well, that's the only reason I fly.
Q: A cub scout holds up two fingers. A boy scout holds up three fingers. What does a girl scout hold up?
Lynde: Well, that just depends on how many cookies you buy.
Q: Why do the Hell's Angels wear leather?
Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles so easily.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: In Alice in Wonderland, who kept crying, "I'm late, I'm late"?
Lynde: Alice. And her mother is sick about it.
Q: Which is better looking, a pixie or a fairy?
Lynde: I'll go for the fairy.
Q: In The Wizard of Oz, the Lion wanted courage and the Tin Man wanted a heart. What did the Scarecrow want??
Lynde: He wanted the Tin Man to notice him.
Q: Who are more likely to be romantically responsive. Women under thirty or women over thirty?
Lynde: I don't have a third choice?
Q: Paul, how many men on a hockey team?
Lynde: Oh, about half.
Q: True or false: Women are sexier after having a baby.
Lynde: Right after?
Q: What made the monkey cry?
Lynde: Learning that Tarzan swings both ways.
Q: What would the Lone Ranger always leave behind with the damsel in distress he'd saved?
Lynde: A masked baby!
Q: Why was Nathan Hale hung?
Lynde: Heredity.
Q: Is it normal for Norwegians to talk to trees?
Lynde: As long as that's as far as it goes.
Q: Why do sheep sleep huddled up?
Lynde: Because Little Boy Blue is a weirdo!
Q: Paul, what profession is the most common for prostitutes after they retire?
Lynde: Smuggling.
Q: Does Mark Spitz believe swimming in the nude helps you go faster?
Lynde: Well, it's easier to steer.
Q: True or false: in the recent world kissing contest in England, two contestants were disqualified when they got too passionate.
Lynde: Yes, but they went on to win in three other categories.
Q: True or false: Paul Revere had sixteen children.
Lynde: From one midnight ride?
Q: You’re equipped with a pick, a sieve, and a shallow pan. What are you about to do?
Lynde: Joan Crawford's eyebrows.
Q: Prehistoric man had two uses for sheep. One was for food. What was the other?
Lynde: Conversation.
Q: What two things should you never do in bed?
Lynde: Point and laugh.
Q: If the right part comes along, will George C. Scott do a nude scene?
Paul Lynde: You mean he doesn't have the right part?
Q: Will a goose help warn you if there's an intruder on your property?
Paul Lynde: There's no better way!
Q: According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been..." What?
Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.
Q: Diamonds should not be kept with your family jewels, why?
Paul Lynde: They're so cold!
Q: What is a pullet?
Paul Lynde: A little show of affection...
Q: In the Middle Ages, Paul, people in convents were not allowed to eat beans because they believed something about them we now know isn't true. What?
Paul Lynde: Well, I know they took a vow of silence...
Q: Paul, Snow White...was she a blonde or a brunette?
Paul Lynde: Only Walt Disney knows for sure...
Q: Promethius was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.
Q: When Richard Nixon was Vice-President, he went someplace on a "good will mission," but instead wound up being stoned and shouted at. Where did this take place?
Paul Lynde: Pat's room .
Q: True or false, cow's horns are used to make ice cream.
Paul Lynde: You mean those weren't chocolate chips?
Q: True or false...research indicates that Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings.
Paul Lynde: It's not easy to sign a crew up for six months...
Q: Whose motto is "Do Your Best"?
Paul Lynde: I guess we can rule out Jimmy Carter...
Q: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much is a pinch?
Paul Lynde: Just enough to turn her on...
Q: True or false, the navy has trained whales to recover objects a mile deep.
Paul Lynde: At first they tried unsuccessfully with cocker spaniels...
Q: It used to be called "9-pin." What's it called today?
Paul Lynde: Foreplay!
Q: Paul, in the early days of Hollywood, who was usually found atop Tony, the Wonder Horse?
Paul Lynde: My Friend Flicka.
Q: During the War of 1812, Captain Oliver Perry made the famous statement, "We have met the enemy and..." What?
Paul Lynde: They are cute.
Q: Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying, "Dinah (Shore)'s in top form. I've never known anyone to be so completely able to throw herself into a..." A what?
Paul Lynde: A headboard.
Q: What do you call a man who gives you diamonds and pearls?
Paul Lynde: I'd call him "darling"!
Q: We've all heard the old phrase "A pig in a poke." What is a poke?
Paul Lynde: It's when you're not really in love.
Q: Paul, in what famous book will you read about a talking ass who wonders why it's being beaten?
Paul Lynde: I read it, "The Joy of Sex."
Q: What did James Watt invent after fooling around with his wife's tea kettle?
Paul Lynde: James Watt Jr.
Q: According to the old song, what's breaking up that old gang of mine?
Paul Lynde: Anita Byant!
I feel I must set the scene for some of our younger readers. Paul Lynde was an actor in the 60's and 70's. You'd know his voice from the rat Templeton in "Charlotte's Web", and his face as Uncle Arthur on Bewitched. He was queer as a three-dollar bill, but it wasn't publicly acknowledged in that era. Everyone knew, and it was hinted at openly by Lynde, but never quite stated.
He was frequently on "The Hollywood Squares". The format of this show was that there was a tic-tac-toe board with a celebrity in each one. The host would ask a question of the celebrities in each square. They would answer the question, and could make up a false answer. The contestants had to decide if the answer was correct or not. If the contestant was correct, they could put their X or O in that square.
Paul Lynde had a twisted sense of humor. His initial snap answer to any question...well, priceless. Here's some of them.
Q: You're the world's most popular fruit. What are you?
Lynde: Humble.
Q: True or false, there is such a thing as a female rooster.
Lynde: Yes, they're the ones who go a doodle-doo.
Q: What is said to be wasted on the young?
Lynde: A whipping.
Q: What is the most abused and neglected part of the body?
Lynde: Well, mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: True or false. At a recent hearing, opponents of fluorinated water argued that too much fluorine in a person's system can cause an uncontrollable desire for sex.
Lynde: (shouting) HEY CULLIGAN MAN!
Q: As any good boat enthusiast knows, that when a man falls out of a boat, you yell "man overboard." Now, what should you yell if a woman falls out of a boat?
Lynde: Full speed ahead.
Q: True or false? Your teeth are about the same size and shape as a pig's.
Lynde: Look who's talking, Beaverface.
Q: True or false? Most airports now make you go through an internal frisking before getting on the plane?
Lynde: Well, that's the only reason I fly.
Q: A cub scout holds up two fingers. A boy scout holds up three fingers. What does a girl scout hold up?
Lynde: Well, that just depends on how many cookies you buy.
Q: Why do the Hell's Angels wear leather?
Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles so easily.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: In Alice in Wonderland, who kept crying, "I'm late, I'm late"?
Lynde: Alice. And her mother is sick about it.
Q: Which is better looking, a pixie or a fairy?
Lynde: I'll go for the fairy.
Q: In The Wizard of Oz, the Lion wanted courage and the Tin Man wanted a heart. What did the Scarecrow want??
Lynde: He wanted the Tin Man to notice him.
Q: Who are more likely to be romantically responsive. Women under thirty or women over thirty?
Lynde: I don't have a third choice?
Q: Paul, how many men on a hockey team?
Lynde: Oh, about half.
Q: True or false: Women are sexier after having a baby.
Lynde: Right after?
Q: What made the monkey cry?
Lynde: Learning that Tarzan swings both ways.
Q: What would the Lone Ranger always leave behind with the damsel in distress he'd saved?
Lynde: A masked baby!
Q: Why was Nathan Hale hung?
Lynde: Heredity.
Q: Is it normal for Norwegians to talk to trees?
Lynde: As long as that's as far as it goes.
Q: Why do sheep sleep huddled up?
Lynde: Because Little Boy Blue is a weirdo!
Q: Paul, what profession is the most common for prostitutes after they retire?
Lynde: Smuggling.
Q: Does Mark Spitz believe swimming in the nude helps you go faster?
Lynde: Well, it's easier to steer.
Q: True or false: in the recent world kissing contest in England, two contestants were disqualified when they got too passionate.
Lynde: Yes, but they went on to win in three other categories.
Q: True or false: Paul Revere had sixteen children.
Lynde: From one midnight ride?
Q: You’re equipped with a pick, a sieve, and a shallow pan. What are you about to do?
Lynde: Joan Crawford's eyebrows.
Q: Prehistoric man had two uses for sheep. One was for food. What was the other?
Lynde: Conversation.
Q: What two things should you never do in bed?
Lynde: Point and laugh.
Q: If the right part comes along, will George C. Scott do a nude scene?
Paul Lynde: You mean he doesn't have the right part?
Q: Will a goose help warn you if there's an intruder on your property?
Paul Lynde: There's no better way!
Q: According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been..." What?
Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.
Q: Diamonds should not be kept with your family jewels, why?
Paul Lynde: They're so cold!
Q: What is a pullet?
Paul Lynde: A little show of affection...
Q: In the Middle Ages, Paul, people in convents were not allowed to eat beans because they believed something about them we now know isn't true. What?
Paul Lynde: Well, I know they took a vow of silence...
Q: Paul, Snow White...was she a blonde or a brunette?
Paul Lynde: Only Walt Disney knows for sure...
Q: Promethius was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.
Q: When Richard Nixon was Vice-President, he went someplace on a "good will mission," but instead wound up being stoned and shouted at. Where did this take place?
Paul Lynde: Pat's room .
Q: True or false, cow's horns are used to make ice cream.
Paul Lynde: You mean those weren't chocolate chips?
Q: True or false...research indicates that Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings.
Paul Lynde: It's not easy to sign a crew up for six months...
Q: Whose motto is "Do Your Best"?
Paul Lynde: I guess we can rule out Jimmy Carter...
Q: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much is a pinch?
Paul Lynde: Just enough to turn her on...
Q: True or false, the navy has trained whales to recover objects a mile deep.
Paul Lynde: At first they tried unsuccessfully with cocker spaniels...
Q: It used to be called "9-pin." What's it called today?
Paul Lynde: Foreplay!
Q: Paul, in the early days of Hollywood, who was usually found atop Tony, the Wonder Horse?
Paul Lynde: My Friend Flicka.
Q: During the War of 1812, Captain Oliver Perry made the famous statement, "We have met the enemy and..." What?
Paul Lynde: They are cute.
Q: Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying, "Dinah (Shore)'s in top form. I've never known anyone to be so completely able to throw herself into a..." A what?
Paul Lynde: A headboard.
Q: What do you call a man who gives you diamonds and pearls?
Paul Lynde: I'd call him "darling"!
Q: We've all heard the old phrase "A pig in a poke." What is a poke?
Paul Lynde: It's when you're not really in love.
Q: Paul, in what famous book will you read about a talking ass who wonders why it's being beaten?
Paul Lynde: I read it, "The Joy of Sex."
Q: What did James Watt invent after fooling around with his wife's tea kettle?
Paul Lynde: James Watt Jr.
Q: According to the old song, what's breaking up that old gang of mine?
Paul Lynde: Anita Byant!
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no subject
Date: 2007-11-20 03:24 pm (UTC)Those are great. :)
no subject
Date: 2007-11-20 04:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-20 04:21 pm (UTC)Thanks for a small bucket of smiles and chortles.
Date: 2007-11-20 04:51 pm (UTC)Re: Thanks for a small bucket of smiles and chortles.
Date: 2007-11-20 05:11 pm (UTC)Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
no subject
Date: 2007-11-20 05:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-20 05:20 pm (UTC)[Make your own joke here]
no subject
Date: 2007-11-20 05:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-20 05:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-20 06:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-20 07:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-21 12:06 am (UTC)